


Feelings

by imaginaryfriendashkun



Series: Barrison - Post S2 [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: A little bit of angst, Barry being Barry, Discussion, Harry Being Harry, Insecurity, M/M, Pining, S2 Ending Spoilers, one sided Barry/Harrison Wells impostor, one sided Barry/Iris, talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7169552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginaryfriendashkun/pseuds/imaginaryfriendashkun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After events of the 'Depression', Harry and Barry try to give the 'thing' between them a shot. Harry decides to talk to Barry frankly about his doubts and about the 'thing' lingering between them instead of assuming things on his own.</p><p>Harry asks Barry to reveal everything that happened with Eobard. Barry reveals his feelings and they take it from there. </p><p>They try to establish the relationship between them, find a foothold, they flounder but eventually get what they both want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to 'Depression'  
> Reading that would help but can be read as a stand alone too.
> 
> Unbetaed as usual.  
> Point out mistakes - grammar, plot, characterization, spelling, anything in the review.  
> Want to improve.

It has been nearly six months after the incident with the depression causing meta human. Harry and Barry are giving it a try. Harry doesn't want to use any words like 'boyfriend' or 'date' or 'courtship' or any of that shit. 

 

There's something unique going on between the two of them and he doesn't want to limit things or set boundaries based on a word because it's definitely something more and cannot be easily described by a single stereotypical word.

 

Until now, he can't tell whether this 'thing' which started between Barry and himself that fateful night six months ago... has been going well or not. 

 

Harry hoped that Barry wouldn't remember anything after waking up but unfortunately Barry had, crystal clearly remembered even the smallest details.

 

Barry asked Harry to give him some time to think about it and Harry knew that he would give all the time in the world to Barry and he had done the same. Barry came to him three months later and told Harry that he was ready to try.

 

Despite everything that's currently happening, sometimes Harry feels as if he is chasing ghosts. He's chasing Iris, Eobard, Patty, Felicity, Lisa and a lot of other ghosts, people who liked Barry or dated Barry or the people whom Barry liked. Harry cannot bring himself to stop.

 

It doesn't help that the impostor looked exactly like him, of all the people he could have chosen from, he had chosen Earth 1 Harrison Wells and Harry curses him for it, it also doesn't help the matter that from time to time Harry himself thinks that Iris would be more suitable for Barry given their age and the fact that they had grown up together and still kind of live in the same house together.

 

Harry will not say any of this out loud. After all, he is a fifty year old man and is a father of a twenty year old himself. He prides himself on being cautious, reserved, intelligent, he is not prone to emotional outbursts, never was. He thought he never would be affected by something as meager as 'emotions' either.

 

It looks like it's not 'prides' anymore but should be 'prided' because Barry has broken a lot of Harry's barriers without even meaning to and the damn speedster doesn't even realize what he has unleashed out of Harry. Curse Barry and his adorkable awareness problems sometimes. Barry doesn't know the effect he has on people, especially on Harry. Or Harry is just that good at masking it.

 

But maybe, just maybe, a nagging mind tells Harry that he never tried with anyone, that he himself maybe the reason for this mess, he was never with anyone, he never cared enough about someone and that's exactly why it's biting him in the ass now. Barry is very important to him and frankly, a good thing that has happened after a long time.

 

He himself doesn't want to ruin it. Already, there are a lot of external forces - purposefully or not, he is yet to determine, a lot of data is to be collected and analyzed for a fully detailed report - at work here that could cause things to blow up in both Harry and Barry's faces. 

 

Moreover, Barry still hasn't gotten over Henry. No one ever gets over a death of a loved one. They live with it, become stronger and go beyond it. No one can forget a loved one - ever, no matter what kind of relationship.

 

Harry decides that he has to swallow his 'pride' and talk to Barry again. After all, Barry has been opening up to him.

 

The little gestures like getting Harry's coffee in the morning, Belly Burger in the evening, working with Harry into the night after reading through hardcore complicated science books in break neck speed, talking to Harry about his parents, his past, his day to day life at the PD speak more than Barry's words can. Barry is open with everyone but Harry can tell a difference, he shares more personal details with Harry.

 

Barry trusts Harry and that says a lot after everything that has happened with Eobard and Zoom and Jesse.

 

But it's the smallest, most meaningless things that Barry sometimes does without knowing that stays with Harry. 

 

Like the fact that Barry stays back when Harry stays in the lab, late at nights, very late at nights. Barry always accompanies him instead of asking him not to go out in fear someone may recognize Harry like the others do. (Harry would never admit it but he hates it when people ask him to NOT go outside and he is secretly satisfied that Barry knows this without him having to state the fucking statement out loud).

 

Barry never comes in between him and Jesse, Barry accepts how much Jesse is important to Harry, sometimes even more than Barry himself. Barry doesn't cause a scene or throw a tantrum that Harry isn't making him his priority.

 

However, all of these things make Harry sometimes wonder if Barry is holding back, whether Barry doesn't want to take advantage of Harry but Harry brushes it aside because Barry is not someone like that with those he 'loves' loves. Barry gives everything and expects everything but he also respects privacy which is saying something because Harry is the same.

 

Harry never intervenes when it's just Barry and Iris or Barry, Joe and Wally or Barry and Cisco. Harry understands that there's a life other than just having 'lovers'. He is not the possessive type. This makes him get along wonderfully with Barry.

 

But sometimes, even the grim Harry wants to whisk away Barry from his troubles, especially from harmful, sinister, out for blood metas, away from Iris because Barry sometimes still hurts seeing Iris with others, away from Joe because sometimes it hurts Barry to see Wally take up Joe's time. Harry notices all this, Barry knows that Harry knows but they don't need to say anything to each other. Just their presence is enough.

 

And that's really great because Harry was never a talker, isn't one, never will be one and strangely during these times, Barry, the ever talkative, cheerful, optimistic one also becomes very less talkative. 

 

It works because in the end, after they spend time together in silence, they feel refreshed. Of course, the problem doesn't go away but they can face it with renewed vigor and ideas. They can tackle it instead of running in the opposite direction with their metamorphic tails between their legs.

 

And there are the really subtle thing that hurts Harry. Harry doesn't know if his mind notices things in hyper drive when it comes to Barry but Harry notices almost everything that Barry does - consciously or unconsciously. Harry doesn't know whether this is good or bad.

 

Because, sometimes Harry can't understand Barry. Harry really loves their relationship but there are certain actions of Barry's that he himself cannot decipher. And that bothers him a little bit and bruises his ego when it comes to all things 'Barry.'

 

Like the way Barry lingers around Iris longer than usual, more casual lingering soft touches than usual. The way Barry laughs more around her. The way sometimes Barry looks at Harry wishing he were someone else, obviously Harrison... because he is sure that Barry would rather kill himself than fall in love with Eobard, the bastard who killed his mother.

 

The way Barry sometimes whispers, 'Harrison' and 'Dr. Wells' instead of 'Harry' while it's just the two of them, while they kiss, while they lie in bed together... because even though he himself is 'Harrison Wells from Earth 2', he has become Harry, he prefers Harry. 

 

He has been molded into 'Harry' because that's what pretty much everyone here calls him and he doesn't blame them because Eobard had wreaked havoc in everyone's life here - Cisco, Caitlin, Ronnie, Joe, Iris and especially Barry.

 

It hurts Harry that Barry in the past fell in love with some dumb, dim witted psycho who never realized what it meant to have Barry's love, what it meant to have Barry himself fall in love with you, what it meant to love someone like Barry back.

 

It pains Harry that Barry fell in love with the 'persona' and not the real man. It hurts Harry because he knows how much Barry must have been shattered when he realized that the man he fell in love with was the same man who killed his mother.

 

How can someone even think about doing something as awful as killing an enemy's mother? No one would wish something like that even upon an enemy. It just shows to great lengths exactly how sick and vile and disgusting Eobard really was - all filled with revenge and fury and blinded by an unrestrained rage against Barry that didn't change even after seeing Barry in a different light, as a different man.

 

Harry is just glad that he didn't end up killing Barry because they all know that Eobard was capable of many many unspeakable things.

 

And most of all, it's extremely hurtful that Barry doesn't know that Eobard actually loved him in a sick, twisted, painful kind of way. Why would he have otherwise given the evidence to get Henry out of jail? Barry believes that he was thrown away and it was all act but Harry knew that somehow there was something between them.

 

Should he be glad that Eobard loved Barry in a cruel way or that Barry believes that he was never loved? But sometimes, in the deep dark silence of the night, Barry tells him a different story without even speaking.

 

Barry's dreams tell him the real story - somewhere, a very minute part of Barry believes that Eobard actually loved him. Was Barry fooling himself? Was Eobard fooling him? Or was Harry fooling himself and Barry? He doesn't have answers for any of these questions - yet.

 

But he will have them - soon.

 

**********

 

"Barry, can we talk?"

 

Barry is surprised that Harry broke his own 'personal and work matters should not interfere' rule.

 

Barry puts down the 'vibe enhancer' (Cisco's name) which Harry and he have been working on to help with Cisco's training.

 

He grabs a stool and sits near Harry. Harry places his own tools down and swivels in his stool so that he is facing Barry. He is glad that Barry is not running away screaming bloody murder because for the past six months, Barry never was exactly ready to talk to him about certain things. 

 

Of course, they have grown closer to each other, they have become more special, more intimate but there were still certain things, certain fragile, delicate things that still lingered between them. But Harry is strangely happy because Barry is not going to be speaking about this with someone else... or at least, Harry is going to be the first, of that, he is sure.

 

Things like these, Harry can tell.

 

"Tell me about Eobard Thawne."

 

Barry knew it was coming. Harry knew it was coming. One of the reasons they had even decided to try this 'thing' between them was to get some closure and to vent and be understood, to let it all out and yet be accepted and not judged for anything else, but only for who you truly are. Harry and Barry both needed this desperately. 

 

How can this happen without any one of them taking the first step?

 

Of course Barry had asked personal questions to Harry - about Tess, about Harry's particle accelerator explosion, about killing the turtle  
for Jesse. Harry would have socked anyone else if they had asked or even tried to go there. With Barry, it had been easy. Now, it's Barry's turn.

 

A sigh. Both knew that this was coming but none of them were prepared. Yet it happens anyway.

 

"What do you want to know, Harry?"

 

"Do you really want me to spell it out for you, Allen?"

 

Barry shrugs. Harry rolls his eyes and refrains himself from grinding Barry's head with his fist. Barry will either be too fast or will just allow it. Based on his mood, it would probably be the latter.

 

Harry grits his teeth and spells it out too clearly. Both of them are going to be embarrassed in the end.

 

"I want to know how you fell in love with him, you told me about Iris, don't leave anything out. I want to know about your relationship, what he felt about you, what you felt about him, before and after revelation of Eobard, pretty much, let it all out."

 

Barry's eyes get this far away look.

 

"I always admired Harrison Wells. I loved his works, his mind, his research, I knew everything about him, you know? I always wished I could meet him and after the explosion, I really did. It was like he was everything that I always thought he was. He worked hard, he was intelligent, he cared for Cisco and Caitlin in his own ways even though he hated being with people. And it was the same with me."

 

"He understood me, he helped me grow, he taught me a lot of things, he cared for me. It wasn't exactly 'love'. I was still in love with Iris. I tried dating others but it didn't work out properly. It was more of a 'crush'. He realized that too."

 

Harry cannot help but intervene. "You do know all this is because he probably stalked you, watched you a lot, right? He also helped you because he had an ulterior motive, he had to get back to his own time, so he wanted you to do better, to get stronger."

 

Barry looks like he just has been slapped. He nods dejectedly and Harry wishes he never said anything. He just hated the way Barry had this fond look on his face and his tongue just ran away on its own.

 

Barry continues, "He knew about the 'crush', of course. He knew about everything. He told me that it would not work out and it was probably best to not complicate things. He thought it was because of all the attention he was showering on me and how much time we spent together naturally. He made sense. He always did. But he did tell me that he loved me in his own way."

 

"Do you think he ever loved you?"

 

Barry shrugs again as if he doesn't care but Harry knows better.

 

"Yes, probably. In a bad way."

 

"Why do you think that?"

 

"You will think me crazy and sick if I say it out loud."

 

"It's because he would do things to save you that no one ever would, right? It's because even though he hated you, he was the only one who understood you completely. No one else knew why you were doing certain things, he did, didn't he?"

 

Barry's eyebrows are high. Harry has hit the nail on the head. He barely nods.

 

Harry continues, "But... you are not in love with Eobard, are you? I mean, were you?"

 

Barry bites his lips. "I didn't love Eobard. I was attracted to the persona he put on. It isn't 'love' per se."

 

"How's that different? Help me understand?"

 

Barry gets a strange look in his eyes. "There's a person, by nature, he is cruel and lonely. Yet, on the outside, with people, he acts as if he is nice and friendly. He is different. His 'nice' persona is different. Do you get me?"

 

Harry snorts. "In the end, it boils to one thing, Allen! It's just the same person!"

 

Barry sighs, "I am sorry, you don't understand it."

 

This time it's Harry's turn to feel as if he has been slapped.

 

Harry wants it to sting. "What did you do after you realized that it was him who murdered your mother in cold blood?"

 

Barry gets up and take a step back. He turns and paces up and down. When he looks at Harry again, there's a cold, cruel, calculating, un-Barry like look in his eyes. His whole posture is hard and stiff and stern. "I wanted to torture him and kill him and that's what I did, in my mind, again and again for sometime."

 

Harry continues to put his foot in his own mouth. "His nice 'persona' didn't stop you?"

 

"It's just as you said. In the end, when the 'persona' is revealed, people accept not the 'persona' but the reality. I accepted reality. So I threw away all my feelings and uncertainties and I killed him."

 

Barry continues in that hard tone. "Even if the 'persona' is longer and more familiar with people, when it drops, only the reality exists. No matter how much the person tries, he can never pretend or act enough to make another believe in the 'persona' again, you know? Like when you keep trying to do good for people and one time you don't or by mistake you do something bad, it's only the bad things that people remember."

 

Harry feels as if it's a low blow. It feels as if Barry is trying to say something but Harry gets angry. It is as if Barry is accusing Harry of not believing in Barry, as if Harry doesn't believe that Barry can love Harry.

 

"What are you trying to say, Allen?"

 

"You bloody know well what I am saying, don't act as if you don't get me!"

 

Both of them face away from each other and take a deep breath.

 

Harry knows he has to set this right or Barry will go away from him.

 

"I am sorry, Allen."

 

Barry smiles painfully. "No... I am sorry. It's just that you brought back really painful memories, memories I would rather forget. But I wanted to tell you because you told me about yours. It's not an 'I owe you one' because you told me. I just wanted to tell you so that I can take this burden off my shoulders and share it with you. So that you can understand me."

 

Harry nods. He does understand and Barry sees it too.

 

"You bet yourself up, after it... didn't you?"

 

Barry's eyes are filled with tears. Harry is strangely giddy on seeing different sides of Barry. Barry is all smiles and fun and mischief, carelessness and kindness usually. But with Harry, those fall away. Harry knows Barry's angry, furious and extremely sad sides.

 

He should not be happy but he is because Barry is his. Harry isn't possessive... right?

 

Barry sits down on the floor. "How can I have had a crush on someone who killed my own mother? How could I have not recognized him? How could I have let him go? He would have nearly killed me and left to his own time and killed everyone I love, he already caused Eddie's death... if Eddie hadn't shot himself, I would never have forgiven myself. Even after all that... he left problems."

 

Harry sighs, "You didn't know, Barry. You never knew any of it. There may be a lot of 'what-ifs' but in the end, there's nothing you could have done to discover his secret. He would have done everything in his power to keep that from happening and with his speed, he may even have tried to change it if something wrong had happened."

 

Barry doesn't reply. He doesn't have to.

 

A strange thought crosses Harry as he back pedals and thinks of Barry's words again.

 

"Are you saying that I am one of those problems, Allen?"

 

Barry looks up too swiftly enough to get a whiplash.

 

He then realizes that it's Harry's dry humor and chuckles. Harry is glad that he can make Barry laugh in this state.

 

"Why do you call me 'Allen' from time to time after everything?"

 

"Why do you call me 'Harrison' or 'Dr. Wells' from time to time, Barry?"

 

"Touche..."

 

"Answer it, will you?"

 

"Because... sometimes it becomes too much... because sometimes you do things exactly like him! Especially when you are sleeping or working, you look exactly like his 'persona', especially after you got back Jesse and I realized that things could actually work with you and after I started watching you more closely."

 

Barry blushes lightly.

 

Harry becomes even more giddy.

 

"I call you 'Allen' because sometimes I want to distance myself from you, so I won't hurt you and myself if this ends badly. Sometimes, it's just a bloody habit I can't get rid of. Don't you want me to call you 'Allen'?"

 

Barry nods and asks Harry to sit next to him. Harry does. Barry leans against him.

 

"You think I still love Iris and that I will somehow break up with you in the near future, don't you? Is that why you are gaurded sometimes?"

 

Harry nods very lightly.

 

"I won't."

 

Harry sighs. 

 

"You are still not convinced, are you? How can you not believe me, Harry? How can you not believe in yourself? Do you think you are somehow not capable of being loved by me just because you are not a female, just because you are not younger, just because I loved someone else in the past?"

 

Harry doesn't know what to say.

 

"Time will tell, Harry. I don't love the persona, I don't love Iris, at least, not anymore. I am learning to let go of them. They will never love me and it's not healthy for me. It's better to fall in love with someone who loves you. I should know that better than anyone else, Harry."

 

"I don't love anyone else I dated in the past. I hate Eobard's guts, I would puke and let myself be killed by a million metas rather than let you think that I could actually ever love him. I was confused... after I killed him, I realized that the persona and him was the same person - the one I admired and the one who killed my mother."

 

"It took me a while to differentiate. It helps me cope, Harry. I am not making it up. If I believed that they are the same, I would have killed myself. I started with seeing them as different beings - the persona and Eobard, separated my feelings and then realized they were the same guy. I accepted it. That's how I could move on. I would have gone insane, Harry. I was alone! I couldn't talk to anyone about it."

 

Harry nods. He hugs Barry.

 

"You are not alone anymore."

 

"Did you understand what I just blabbered? Because I can't explain it in a better way."

 

Harry nods.

 

"I love you."

 

Harry's eyes widens.

 

Barry leans forward and places his head on Harry's forehead. He removes Harry's glasses and gently runs his hands through Harry's dark, soft curls. He moves a bit closer, pulls Harry towards him and sweetly kisses him. Harry doesn't have to hold back anymore. He hugs Barry tightly around the waist and claims Barry's mouth hungrily. They both break apart after some time.

 

Holding each other's faces softly, still looking into each other's eyes, as if they cannot be apart or look apart even for a second, they try to catch their breath back and laugh at themselves.

 

Harry knows that they will keep trying and they will make it work. Because he doesn't have to chase after anyone anymore.

 

Harry whispers, "I love you, Barry." But he is sure that Barry hears him. And they always will hear each other, no matter how far apart they are or how loud it is, that's how things are.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and supporting :)


End file.
